...and it is fast running outIt occurred to me, today, that by the end of next month I will have spent seven months living in Madrid; only one month of classes will await me, and one final month of exams and assessment. By July, I will free to roam the earth as I please. Whither shall I go?
You see, the truth is I have not only become accustomed to living here, but have very little waiting for me back at "home". Since I have no plans for summer besides working my arse off to start working out of my mean old overdraft, and preparing for my final year at university, being stuck in a very-likely-judging-by-recent-years rainy London for two and a half months while I do it is looking like a rather grim prospect.
The alternatives are hardly much more enticing. Apart from London, my options are confined to Brighton and Madrid. Now, you might think that is a spoilt answer, and you'd be quite right: not everyone can say they have three cities to choose from to spend the summer. However, as I mentioned before, regardless of where I am, I will still be doing the same thing: working to raise money, and reading for the next academic year. If I go to Brighton, I may have the extra burden of searching for somewhere to live, as well. Not that I intend to stay in my currently overpriced flat if I decide to stay in Madrid. However, finding somewhere to stay for a couple of months would be less difficult than arriving back in the UK and looking for something straight away.
This is, of course, all conjecture (word of the week), and academic, since I've yet to begin actually exploring my options. As this semester begins to draw to a close, though, I have been shocked into thinking about what happens when I return to the UK. After that comes the final year of university: I will have nine months left of full-time education, after which point there will be nowhere left to hide from the real world. The end is nigh: not only of my foreign gallivanting but also of my years as a student. What then?
The plan used to be so simple, in my head, a few years ago. Go to university, go to drama school, get an agent, start working at the Royal Court Theatre, move on to the RSC and the Old Vic, peaking at The National Theatre (not to mention the odd role in gripping BBC dramas and an Oscar-nominated turn in Hollywood), and die happy with a full career behind me, maybe getting my own small obituary in The Guardian. Life, however, got in the way of those plans. As I saw my older friends go through the rigorous and soul-destroying process of applying for, auditioning for and being rejected from drama schools, and after the summer of (hell) 2008, I was left wondering whether I have the skill or the stamina for the actor's life. I've spent pretty much my entire time in Spain talking about how I "used" to act and how much I "miss" it, but not getting involved because I'm terrified of being rubbish; and, of course, the longer I go without, the more I run the risk of actually being rubbish, and the greater my fear, leading to even more procrastination. It's a vicious cycle! By the time I finish university, who's to say I'll have any shred of ability left? In which case, how dare I audition for drama school? And if that is the case, what do I do with my life?!
Maybe I'm letting my fear and paranoia run away with me, or maybe I have a point. In any case, the time to think about it all has come, and think long and hard I shall. Any suggestions are welcome...
PS: I'm not going to become a rent-boy or get a sugar daddy; the hours disagree with me...
Ah. I was going to suggest to you... I digress.
ReplyDeleteAm I reading this correctly, that if you go back to the UK, you have to find a place to live for a couple of months right away? Can't you live with your parent(s) for those 2 months? Or is that a no-no?
Do you love acting? Do you still see yourself having that for a career 10, 20, 30 years from now? If you do, then go for it. Nothing is ever easy, but therein lies the challenge and fun! You'll be able to look back and say, "I did it, and I wouldn't change a thing". You'd die happy knowing that you followed your passion and be fulfilled (with or without the Oscar) :)
If acting/drama is no longer a passion of yours, then what's the next thing that you're passionate about, or maybe even more so than acting/drama? Perhaps you can pursue that. You're young.... no time like the present to pursue different things and discover new passion in life.
Best of luck!
When I was a teenager, I wanted to become an actor. A whole lot of people said that I had some ability, but there were people who said don't bother, mainly my father. Then in college I took a few classes and I thought acting would be fun but definitely not worth the risk of being rejected by people. Sure if I ever became a director of movies, I could do a little cameo fart in the wind performance like Hitchcock or Sydney Pollack but that didn't happen and it never will since I never went for it. But I always wonder.
ReplyDeleteYou've heard this before, I've heard it before and now I'm sort of living it. It sucks to look back and wonder "what if" although in my case I never wanted it that badly. What do you want and why aren't you going for it or are you?
Dusty: Living with my father is complex. Not so much a no-no, as pretty impossible, but not for any usual reasons...
ReplyDeleteThe truth is I'm very passionate about a lot of things, but I've only ever felt useful, or effective, to put it one way, when in rehearsals and on stage. I love everything about the theatre, even though I absolutely hate it, at times, and get very annoyed at a lot of things about it, but only because I care so much, I suppose.
Curious: I've read and heard a million stories like yours, and I'm sorry you regret never going with it further.
Basically, I know the two of you are right, but I'm lazy and chronically disorganised, you see. That shit don't fly in the RSC...
Hrmm.... lazy and disorganized eh?
ReplyDeleteI need a few moments on that one.
Actually, there is no regret about not going further because I suspected in the end I probably wouldn't like to do it for a living and I knew some of my limitations. I just wonder what if sometimes.
ReplyDelete