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Some fictional gay people, yesterday

I can always smell them on me, after.
The musty, musky midnight husk
Of shame wraps round me.

Invisible. Impenetrable.

From the inside out
I scream.

I never notice during, though,
As if the lust and end result
Were better not discussed

'Til later. And still

From the inside out
I scream.

It's not enough to wind, to grind,
To pull and push and cup and suck.
There must be more, surely?

And so, when done,

From the inside out
I scream.

"That's him!" He'll do. For now. But no.
My mind, always unsure, will tell.
And then I'm back to One.

Just me; just me.

From the inside out
I scream.

February 14th 2005: I came out to my best friend. A year later, I had already become slightly disillusioned with mainstream British Gay culture, and fed up of meeting men for nothing but a quick blowjob before exchanging names. One night, I wrote the above poem, the first I'd ever written. This is the first time I've "published" it. It was also the first of a series of random poems I wrote between the ages of 18 and 20, and I'm not really sure why I am posting it up, now; but depending on what people say, you might see a few more of my personal favourites. I've pretty much abandoned poetry, since I'm not much of a poet and prefer writing prose and prosaic dialogue.

On Valentine's Day 2010, I will have been out for five years. Funny how some things never change, and yet I am am a very different person today...