If You Don't Ask, You Don't Get

Observe: a suspect old man whose pastime involves enslaving people of stunted growth, forcing them to work in conditions which can only be likened to those of a sweatshop, and then throwing the fruit of their labour away to children on one madcap night of ASBO-dodging mayhem

In honour of the annual "Capitalism in Christianity's Clothing" festival we like to call Christmas, I've decided to get fully into the spirit of it all by writing a list of demands. That's right: gone are the days of hoping for something cool and/or entertaining and/or useful and/or practical, only to have your dreams shattered on the day, when you receive some tatty old shit you got a few years ago, or nothing at all: trust me, I've found myself in both of those situations many a frosty Christmas morn.

I have thought of various methods of conveying my request, and I felt the most appropriate would be in the form of song: specifically, to the tune of "My Favourite Things", from The Sound of Music. But then I gerw up, and decided to make a list, instead: -

Useful/Practical: Clothes (ie, trousers and jeans, coat, some lovely warm jumpers, shoes and/or trainers); A Pen (doesn't have to be expensive, just expensive-looking); A Digital Camera; Money (failing all else)...

Cool/Entertaining: A New Computer (likelihood slim to nil); DVD Box Sets of past and recent seasons of my favourite TV Shows (Doctor Who Series 2-4; Desperate Housewives Seasons 2-4; All of The Wire and The West Wing); DVDs of good films (I'll let you be the judge); Money (or just let me be the judge);

As you can see, I don't want much, and I think it would be fair to say that I, after all, will be shelling out a fortune, sending cards and presents abroad (the estimated total is around 50p), so why can't I have a little bit back? The world has approximately one month to give me what I want, or the consequences shall be grave...

Merry Christmas; and God bless us, everyone...

I'd rather find this at the bottom of my chimney, thanks...