Now You See Him...

A Visual Representation of Sanya in the Blogging World

My most avid readers will have noticed that an entire week has passed since my last post - no witty flippancy, no random bits and pieces, no Sunday News, and no mention of la cultura española. Well, agruably I rarely include the last one in here, anyway, but the point is I have been invisible. Well, do not fear - I didn't slip into the void with all the Daleks and Cybermen, nor did I find myself walking around in a near-apocalyptic Earth run by a despot wearing an eyepatch (ask your parents). Neither of those romantic rambles are responsible for my recession into the reaches of nowhere. Rather the truth is that a) I've been busy preparing for my monster trip around Spain with two friends from London (one of whom is the aptly-named Stupendous: look him up); and b) I have already been on the first leg of said journey, and have been unable to get decent access to t'Internet.

Fear not, for I have been clever, and have recorded a day-by-day account of most of our goings-on, and you can look forward to the first episode tomorrow. For now, be content with the small fix I supply you, and shut your stinking junky mouth, alright!

Hasta mañana

Beyonce Sings in Spanish!

A Taste of Spanish Humour

She's big in Spain. She's big everywhere, I suppose; but clearly not too big to be brought down a notch. Enjoy...

Welcome to Britain

HM Queen Elizabeth II Hosts a Reception for the London-Hosted G20 2009 Summit

Dear Foreign Leader,

Firstly, let us take this opportunity to welcome you to our fair isle. We are aware that this may be your first visit to the United Kingdom in your capacity as a Head of State or Representative of the People, for some of you, so let us make sure you understand that your input in the following meeting will be greatly appreciated. For your information, we have decided to warn you of a few things you may encounter upon your arrival: -

1) Watch out for those Pesky Protesters
We have this ridiculous notion of a thing called "Free Speech", but pay no attention to these people;. They are under the deluded impression that such freedom actually gives them the opportunity, or even the right, to make a difference. They may stomp and shout, but the roar is far louder than the words themselves.

2) A popular TV chef is doing the catering
We understand your concerns over eating British Food (bad, mad and dangerous to eat), but we've managed to rope in a famous person to cook for you, so you need not worry. Do bring a packed lunch, though, to be on the safe side.

3) Ignore questions from the press
Being a politician, you're probably pretty expert at this, but still; if you've not met them before, the British Press can be startling.

4) See the sights
London is an amazing city, make sure you get the chance to look at at the pretty buildings; maybe blag free entry by offering to give a speech inside. The photo opportunities are endless.

5) Talk about some important things affecting the world
By all means have fun, but remember what you're here for.

We do hope this will serve as a useful guide to you, and that your visit is fun and productive.

Yours ever-so-insincerely,

Mrs Brittania (the one who used to rule the waves)

Make sure you don't choke: it's thicker than water, you know...

A Sickeningly Happy Family, yesterday

This Be The Verse, Philip Larkin (c. 1971)

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands out misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Ah, family! The basis of society. The founding of each and every one of our tastes, habits, morals and ideals. It also, as Larkin so very famously pointed out, has the potential to stifle, traumatise and psychologically ruin the individual. It's a masochistic thing we humans like to accept as a tradition.

This post is a response to the trials and tribulations of Metroboi, whose relationship with his mother has been severely threatened; you can read all about it here. I then noticed, when following Dusty Boot (who in turn follows me: stalking is now an accepted internet activity, it seems), that he and his sister had been the victims of child abuse by their mother for a long while; read some of the stories here.

Freud famously theorised that we men are all subconsciously in love with our mothers - or our mother figures. I doubt Metroboi or Dusty Boot would agree. In fact, as most of Freud's theories have been disproven, I still find it amazing how often he is quoted as truth; but that is another debate. The problem is that we all love to glorify the image of the family, and the family unit, and argue that society would fall apart without it. Of course, family is important, but it is still made up of individuals. What if one, some, or all of these individuals are a bunch of crazed animals? Is that a good basis for society?

I'm not going to go into any details about my own experiences with my family, since it isn't necessary; but I have hardly had a pleasant experience, myself. Thankfully, I was never abused or mistreated, but the amount of disagreements we have had has pushed both myself and my father to live separetly from them, effectively being estranged. We've never felt happier.

I have to make clear I'm not suggesting a doing-away with the family structure (I don't even have any alternative suggestions), I just disagree with the argument "she/he is your mothe/father/brother/whatever", as an excuse for bad behaviour. In some families, people take more liberties because they think they can get away with it, and behave atrociously, even though this is more of an abuse of trust than any affair or theft.

The phrase "friends are the new family" rings true not because you can choose them, as that other oft-repeated cliché goes; rather, because best friends take time to know you, grow to care, and value you and your person over whatever schemes they can get past you. When a family-member becomes a friend, then we can think about on what a society can or should be based.

Diet Diary: Day Seven

The Journey Ends

Menu

Breakfast: Fried eggs with toast and coffee - sue me!

Lunch: None - see below

Supper: Yesterday's leftovers.

Snacks: None

Mother Hubbard knows nothing! If she hadn't been procreating so much, she'd be fine. Spare a thought for this poor Year Abroad student, forced to feed on the remains of his delicious meal from yesterday. Actually, spare nothing for me: I was planning to have the leftovers for lunch, but didn't because I got up at 4pm. I couldn't be bothered to make the chile sin carne (a little pun for all you Spanish speakers out there) I'd been planning for the entire week, but no matter, I'll have the proper thing sometime next week.

On the plus side, I'M DONE: What's more, I made it! I did not give in to succulent, protein-filled murder temptation, and avoided meat for an entire seven days! Part of the abstinence may have been due to lack of funds, but who cares! I still managed to spend a LOT less on food, this week, anyway, by buying new ingredients and avoiding expensive meat. I'm toying with this becoming a regular monthly thing, but I'll have to give that one more consideration. If I do, I'll probably not give up on chocolate and wine as well, since I had no comfort for the week.

Anyway, my final verdict is that vegetarianism is not for me - I always knew that - but a little change in diet every now and then can do a world of good. I do feel healthier (psychosomatic...?), but I've also been craving the dead animal for pretty much the entire time. I will not miss the régime...

Never mind your conscience, Lisa; just eat it!

News Brief: 23/03/09 - 29/03/09

Headlines and Interesting Stories This Week

Click on the images to be redirected

GM Chairman to Leave US Carmaker
"The chief executive of struggling US car company General Motors - Rick Wagoner - has agreed to step down..." - I can't tell you the amount of Wild West puns came to me when I read this one. "Head 'em up, roll 'em out, Rawhide!", or "Wagons roll!", anyone? How about my favourite: "Off the Wagon"?

Madonna to Begin Malawi Adoption
"Madonna has arrived in Malawi to begin the process of adopting a second child from the african country..." - One slave wasn't enough?

Madoff UK Offices in Fraud Probe
"The UK offices of disgraced US financier Bernard Madoff may have been significant in his fraud, the Serious Fraud Office (SFO) believes..." - Well, what a surprise! I spoke about this man earlier, here.

Spanish Town Cancels Bullfighting
"The residents of a small town in central Spain have voted in a referendum to cancel their annual bullfighting festival because of the economic crisis..." - Qué pena, as we don't say about cruel pseudo-sports.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith Embarrassed by New Expenses Row
"The home secretary, Jacqui Smith, apologised today (29/03/2009) for an expenses claim which included adult films watched by her husband..." - I laughed my head off at this one; whoever said politics was seedy?

The "Revolution" Starts Here as 35 000 Pack the G20 March
"They hoped for 10 000, but in the end more than triple that number turned out on London's streets for the biggest demonstration since the beginning of the conomic crisis..." - Good for them, but will G20 listen? What's that in the sky? It's large, pink, and has wings!

It's a Wrap!
"Wearing a hijab and following fashion is all about layering, says Jana Kossaibati. So what do you do when the weather gets warmer?" - Err, TAKE IT OFF!

Transsexual Man Expecting Twins Sparks Ethical Row
"A 25-year-old transsexual man in Barcelona has announced that he is pregnant with twins, prompting debate in Spain about the ethical use of reproductive technology..." - Ah, live and let live. If Ricky Martin can, anyone should!

DISCLAIMER: All articles in Spanish only

Morrocco Deports Four Spanish Missionaries on the Grounds of "Proselytism"
"After Shiíte muslims and gays comes the turn of evangelists. Morrocco today deported five evangelical missionaries - four of whom are Spanish - condemning their "proselytism". The fifth is German..." - A "missionary" tends to proselytise. What did they expect them to do? Cakes don't come for free, you know!

Biden Assures that Spain is a "solid" Ally Despite Disagreements Over Kosovo
"'The relationship we have with Spain exceeds any disagreements we may have over Kosovo. Sometimes there may be a lack of adequate communication, at least on one side, but I am certain that there will not be any impediment in our alliance despite having disagreed over Kosovo'..." - Jeez, we get it, Joe! You're friends, and you agree to disagree!

Image of the Week
Parliament turns its lights off for 60 mins
Source: BBC News

Diet Diary: Days Two - Six

The Journey Continues...on a shoestring

It all went wrong, three days in! I stuck to not eating meat, but the problem was I just wasn't eating! I literally starved through Tuesday and Wednesday, as I pretty much ran out of money, food and ideas. It picked up again on Thursday, when I had a Spanish omlette (eggs and potatoes, basically) for lunch and a lovely rice, tomato and olive concoction, seasoned with herbs and spices and served in lettuce leaves.

As for Friday, lunch had to be bypassed, since I only had half an hour between classes, and hadn't made anything in the morning. Supper was good old British Fish and Chips, but with a twist. I avoided my usual lashings of unhealthy ketchup, and used vinegar instead. I also had a plate of salad, made up of lettuce, tomatoes, Manchego (Spanish) cheese and olives, dressed in a homemade vinaigrette.

Most breakfasts have either been toast and/or eggs with coffee and/or fruit juice.

Saturday's menu was also sans lunch, since I got up at 5pm (I'm tired at the weekend!), and I just ate toast and eggs with a couple of glasses of apple juice. However, in keeping with the theme of healthy and simple with a touch of the extravagant, supper was another rice dish: seasoned curry-rice with lentils stuffed in baked peppers, served on a bed of salad. Mmm, who knew vegetarianism could be so filling?

Goodbye Lenin

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid...

Anyone remember Harry Enfield's character Tory Boy, the teenage conservative? That was in part a parody of William Hague, who spoke at the 1977 Conservative Party conference at the age of 16. Hague notably went on to become leader of the party from 1997 to 2001. Now, we have Jonathan Krohn. What a sweet young man! While we've all been busy jumping up and down at Obama's triumph, and thanking sweet providence for the exit of George Bush and the prevention of Sarah Palin having access to any nuclear codes, the young conservatives have been preparing their next weapon. We may laugh now, but I wouldn't be surprised if this fourteen-year-old were to rear his ugly head in the future. Who knows, maybe in a Presidential election sometime in the near future, Mr Krohn will be a candidate. Let's keep our eyes open, shall we?

The Fourth Pillar

Jade Goody: 1981-2009

So, Jade Goody is dead. Well, excuse me for sounding callous and uncaring, but so f@*king what?! She lived her life in front of the cameras, using the media to create a franchise out of herself and, barring a short stint in celebrity wilderness as punishment for showing her true colours, made a lot of money out of it for herself. Fine.

She said she wanted to chart her death as a means of raising awareness and in order to provide for her sons' welfare: both very worthy motives, but what made her think she was qualified to force us to hear every detail of this horrifyingly tragic process - a process which happens to millions of people worldwide and never gets as much coverage unless it happens to hit someone in the public eye? Goody's idea of raising awareness was by having noted lying slimeball Max Clifford as her publicist (who, of course, never got a cut of the profits, and supposedly did it for the love of his client), and allowing cameras to cover her last moments with her family and those close to her? How much of the money she raised went to cancer charities, organisations which spend a large amount of their budgets on awareness campaigns? I honestly can't say, since I was so sickened by the whole media circus I chose to ignore it as much as I could.

Unfortunately, this was made increasingly difficult, the closer Ms Goody careered to her death. Reports of her every move were posted everywhere in British media websites, and when the moment finally came journalists were on hand, presumably having been on standby ready to tell the whole world and his wife about what her last words were.

I expect some readers will be thinking "oh, this is far too cynical - the poor woman was doing her best to ensure her sons had a good future, and other young women would get checked out earlier." Quite right: I am very cynical, but not so much of Jade's motives, but rather of those who were probably thanking Allah above for afflicting such a contentious tabloid figure with the illness. One only needs to read the columns, blogs, obituaries and random comments to see how much the discussion has centred on the woman, rather than the illness itself; and if I were one of her sons, I'm not sure I'd want to be known as son of "Jade Goody, the Big Brother contestant who was everywhere for half a decade, was ignorant and racist for a bit, said sorry, then died of cancer".

All of a sudden, Jade has become a tragic figure, hailed as "brave", "courageous" and "daring" for dealing with her death in such a way, sometimes by the same people who derided her for not knowing basic UK geography and who Saddam Hussein was, and looking like a fat, ignorant working-class pig. This girl, who was once a sign of Britain's decline is now the Best of British, flying the flag for all those suffering women who didn't have the money or "influence" to raise awareness. If Jade was "brave", what, exactly, were these other women?

My best friend has lost three family members to cancer, one of whom was her father. An acquaintance of mine, here in Spain, is now dying of cancer. Excuse me if I seem a little angry at the thought of this woman being lauded as some sort of champion, since the truth is she has done nothing for fellow cancer sufferes nor the fight against the illness, but spent her last moments cashing in on her life, as she had been doing ever since she first hit the British television screens. People are still suffering, some are lucky enough to survive, others not so lucky. The only real way to combat cancer is to support charities which fund research and promote healthy lifestyles.

Click here for a link to Cancer Research UK's website; or here for Marie Curie Cancer Care.

Moral Decline...?

"Monster": Josef Fritzl

On Thursday the 19th of March 2009, Josef Fritzl was convicted and sentenced to life imprisonment. Unless you've been living on another planet, you'll be aware of the crimes he committed ("kept his daughter in a cellar and fathered her seven children", according to BBC News). So, justice has been served and moralilty has been vindicated, despite this "horrifying" affront to society's sensibilities. Yay for us good citizens: all perverts are disgusting (boo), and we should all pat our backs for sending this man to the hell he deserves - and let's spit at him while we do so.

I've read several reports and spoken to people who are more keen on enjoying this man's conviction, as if the law were some sort of tool for expelling undesireable elements in society, rather than being used to debate our own ideals and on what this thing we call society should be based on. Don't get me wrong, I'm just as pleased as everyone else that this case has been resolved. However, in my review of the film The Reader, I pointed out the comment made by one character about the common misconception of society being based on what is morally right or wrong, instead of what is logically sound or debatable. Earlier in the Fritzl saga, people were horrified by the idea of him being admitted into a psychiatric facility instead of being sent to jail, for fear of him "getting away with it". Now, in what way is being sent to a psychiatric hospital a means of "getting away" with anything? Ask anyone who has had the mispleasure of being sectioned, let alone thrown in a padded cell, and you will soon discover that the experience is hardly a holiday. It isn't a health farm or hotel: patients are routinely examined and pumped full of drugs to keep them docile or in attempts to "cure" them of whatever they suffer, and many are trapped withing their own minds, unable to connect with the real world. Of course Josef Fritzl is mentally ill: he raped his own daughter for twenty odd years. that is not the same as robbing a bank, fraudulent activity, or murder. It is far more chilling because of its irrationality.

However, society is more keen on seeing him placed in prison as punishment, when in actual fact, prisons were originally put in place as a means of rehabilitation. When prisons were introduced, there was a far greater and more terrifying penalty called the death sentence: this was the ultimate punishment. In time the death penalty was abolished in most places, since local and national governments accepted the fact that even the "worst" criminals were capable of achieving redemption. The introduction of asylums and psychiatric facilities for the criminally insane was another development in the search for effective means of rehabilitation, as a way of ensuring the safety of both society and convicted offender. In modern times, though, prison has taken the place of the death penalty in our concept of punishment. "Lock them up and throw away the key" has become our way of protecting ourselves, while those convicted are "left to rot in jail".

In the summer of 2008, my friend Chris directed a devised play dealing with these issues. Chris was also my housemate at the time, and we often spoke about the project while he was researching the topic of crime and punishment. There isn't enough time or space in this blog for me to highlight the amount of problems in the current running of Her Majesty's Prison Service, and I imagine that similarities abound in most western countries. The point is that prisons are horribly overcrowded, several inmates should actually be in psychiatric facilities, and almost all are constantly mistreated since they are no longer human.

Josef Fritzl is not going to survive his prison experience, and goodness only knows what kind of treatment he'll be subjected to by guards and fellow inmates alike. Does he deserve that treatment, even though he did a terrible thing? I think not, but I'll leave the debate open...